Words could never adequately describe how difficult and painful it is deep in the battle of intercession. Within three months of entering into the battle-closet on behalf of my filmmaker prayer assignment, although I loved being his intercessor, for personal reasons on my end, I had been tempted to quit. I was faced with a decision. Commit or quit. I knew I couldn't have it both ways. I knew I couldn't have “a little of both.” I KNEW it was COMMIT or QUIT!
I sat in bed, due to my chronic sickness, and agonized over that decision. I cried. I prayed. I prayed and cried out to God. He allowed me to agonize over this for days. FINALLY, in my heart, God firmly cemented not just a commitment, but a covenant.
My covenant to GOD was as follows:
“I will give to [Filmmaker Prayer Assignment] until it hurts, then I will choose to give some more...expecting nothing in return.”
Since then, I have had to repeat this covenant over and over and over and over and over again. For various reasons, I would have quit numerous times if I had not entered into a covenant with God.
Recently, I wanted to quit. I had just spent seven incredibly difficult days in intense prayer for him for a movie shoot. I poured more than I had to give into that movie shoot, which, due to chronic sickness and weakness, was NOT much! I gave a lot anyway! I was physically and emotionally empty. Additionally, I had been very sick during those seven days of intense prayer, and approximately twelve hours after the movie shoot ended, I had surgery.
I was released from the hospital, with the hospital staff believing I was well enough to be released, but after being home for a couple of hours, I became extremely ill, and remained extremely ill for many longs, dark hours afterward.
During those long, dark, difficult hours, when the pain was more excruciating than I could bear, and the general feeling of illness was more overwhelming than I could handle, I cried out in frustration to God in a way I had never done before.
Unfortunately, this was NOT a crying out to God in a “beneficial” way. This was a brutally honest, “I—KNOW--I--MADE--A--COVENANT--TO--STAY--COMMITTED--TO--MY--PRAYER--ASSIGNMENT--BUT--I--WANT--OUT--OF--THIS--INTERCESSOR--THING--BECAUSE--I--CANNOT--HANDLE--ALL--THE--ATTACKS--COMING--AGAINST--ME--AND--I--DO--NOT--WANT--TO--DO--THIS--ANYMORE!” kind of cry! I had enough! I wanted OUT! I actually told God that I did NOT want to do it anymore!
Was it the pain talking? Was it the painkillers talking? Was it the culmination of seven extremely intense days of prayer while, physically, being so weak and sick and having nothing to give, but giving it all anyway, THEN having surgery and becoming EXTREMELY sick after the surgery?
The Bible says that the mouth speaks out of what comes from the heart. (see Matthew 12:34) Ouch. It was my HEART talking! You mean to tell me that there was that much “YUCK” in my heart? YUCK!
So, after a while of complaining and crying, I asked God to forgive me for thinking and saying that I wanted “out,” and I started thanking Him for everything I could possibly think of to thank Him for! I mean, I truly thanked God for everything I could think of to thank Him for! After doing that for a little while, my heart, and my attitude, suddenly started to change, as well as the pain started to be a tiny, tiny bit more tolerable. Eventually, I fell asleep, and when I woke up, I did NOT want to quit anymore!
I know it is tough in the battle-closet! Trust me, I do know how unbearably difficult it can be in the battle-closet, but when our hearts stay focused on God and what He has done for us, the difficulty seems a tiny bit more manageable, which helps us to stay committed to a battle on behalf of our filmmaker assignment! Our filmmakers NEED for US to STAY committed! And with GOD'S help and a grateful heart, we CAN!
What Practical Application Nugget Did We Learn?
Our filmmaker assignments need for us, as closet warriors, to stay committed to the battle on their behalf, and with God's help and a grateful heart, we can!
Practical Application Power Prayer
Giving, Generous Lord, I thank You for being committed enough to die for me, now I ask You to help me to stay committed to the “Filmmaker Battle Assignment” You have called me to. The only way I can accomplish this is with Your help, so please help me to guard my heart and keep it overflowing with thankfulness as I covenant with You to stay committed to my filmmaker! Thank You! Amen!